I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
