I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
