tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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