I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
