he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
