I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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