I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
