you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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