Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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