Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
