I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I want her autograph on my taint
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
