I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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