he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
