Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
