Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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