Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
