My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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