i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
