me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
