So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
