when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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