So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
