i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
