im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
