tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
