Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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