my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
