Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
