wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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