He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Randomize
