i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
