Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I love you. Go after that dick
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
