Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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