By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
