Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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