it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I believe in your delicious
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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