How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Quick, to the slutcave!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
