I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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