what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
