You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
