Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
