some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
