ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
