He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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