Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
