god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
