Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
