you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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