I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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