I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
