Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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