if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
