Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
